"Ninja Assassin"
(2010, James McTeigue, USA)
Average Contributor Rating:

Back at the start of 2007, I watched my first of the new breed of 3D films. Touted as the technology of the future, the effects themselves were astounding, if the film itself was distinctly lacking. Whether or not 3D is the future is still very much in question, even with Cameron's latest Avatar still breaking box office records. The film I watched was, of course, Zemeckis' Beowulf, and the review I gave of that film was scathing to say the least. And yet Beowulf, astonishingly shit as it was, shines lack a beacon of Godardian genius when it stands alongside the wretched disease of a film I had the misfortunate of watching last night. Ninja Assassin did not even have the self-awareness to put itself forth as "a bad film" in much the same way as, say, Shark Attack 3, and films of that ilk. No, the insult is its pretence as a "regular" film, and thus begs to be viewed alongside other "regular" films. (The idea of this is that one would never seriously try to compare Shark Attack 3 with, say, Jaws, because they are clearly different beasts, and the former never pretends anything greater than that.)

So, in case this rambling preamble is less than clear, let me put this in no uncertain terms. There is not one single level on which this film could be said to succeed. The only entertainment gleaned unwillingly from its mercifully short running time was the occasional snorts of disbelieving derision at the contempt with which it clearly considers the few pitiful souls who dared spend time watching this film which they could have spent doing more productive things, like pyromania, vandalism, or theft. But perhaps if one is stupid enough to watch this film then perhaps we are deserving of the contempt with which they so clearly regard us.

The opening sequence sets the tone of the film quite succinctly. I would call it a "medley" of concepts, but the word "medley" indicates too great a level of thought in the process that led to the scene. A hotchpotch of ideas opens the film. The actors were outshone by the cast of my children's nativity play in their portrayal of stereotypical Yakuza/Triad-style gang members. (The film actors were portraying gang members, not my children's classmates. Although any confusion would be fully understood.) Having said this, the script with which they were working would have been tough to realise with the greatest of actors. (Insert your actor of choice here.) And, should the horrific acting and soulless script not quite dash any expectations you may have had up to this point, the scene itself is so unbearably unbelievable that I was not the only person in the auditorium double checking the running time, to see how much more we had to bear.

When purchasing the tickets, the kind cinema employee told us that the film was "not actually that bad". Her main point of recommendation seemed to be that it was "gory". On this count she was right. I can only assume that her point of comparison against which the film was "not actually that bad" was the collected works of Hitler and Kim Jong Il. As in, "when compared to the acts of Nazi Germany and North Korea, Ninja Assassin is not actually that bad". But I digress. Ninja Assassin is indeed gory. Faces get sliced off, limbs lopped off, torsos severed, etc, etc. I would specify further but I am prevented. Not by means of good taste, but of my ability recall. For you see, so violent was the editing, and so shaky was the camera that the film appears to have been edited by a boy with ADHD with cinematography by my grandma.

Now, some may say that I am being quite harsh on this film. Other, crazy people, may posit that I am being quite unreasonably harsh on this film. Surely, they query, it cannot have been this bad? Surely there have been entertaining films with poor acting before? Well, yes, Face/Off has some brilliant scenery-chewing from Mr Cage. But then, it's what he does best. Surely, they say, there have been good films with poor scripts? Indeed, stand up Mr Cameron's Avatar. And, they ask perplexedly, there are great films with unbelievable premises? Naturally. Yet they are constructed in a way that enables the suspension of disbelief to develop. But the problems with these questions is that they assume the film is entertaining, good, and great. Which it categorically is not.

Once we get past the opening credits sequence (oh yes, I'm only past the credit sequence so far) we have a beautiful establishing shot where we meet the members of Eurocop, or Intereurope, or PolEuro, or some sort of organisation which is definitely not Interpol. There's the chap off "Coupling" and the dreadlocked witch lady thing from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and At World's End. Fine acting stock, indeed. Now, bearing in mind my son could have dreamt up a more compelling story, and penned a more believable exchange of dialogue, I'm willing to proffer this pair an olive branch of decency as the other projects with which they have been involved have been of Orwellian quality in comparison with this film. (This is not, dear reader, a slight on the quality of my six-year-old son's writing, or the richness of his imagination, but merely a comparative device to clarify the quality - or distinct lack thereof - of this particular film.) This pair - Mika and Maslow (no, I don't know either) - are tasked with Basil Exposition's job of Moving The Film's Plot Along. There's some nonsense about some sort of government investigation into ninjas. Or about how the government isn't investigating ninjas. Or how they're not, but they say they are, but they're not, but they really are. But somehow these two have to do it all on their own. Whatever "it" is. I'm not sure exactly what it was they were supposed to be doing because each time any of their scenes showed any slight sign of even approaching anything vaguely resembling clarity, we cut to a gratuitous shot of our titular ninja doing push ups, or playing with his toys. Rain, (best known for his turn in Speed Racer - more on "The Wachowski Connection" later) does some funky moves with his various ninja bad-ass weaponry, getting himself entangled with a knife on a chain, or those cool throwing stars. And his hair is always wet, somehow.

Once we get to scenes of him doing his ninjary practicing, we get a shot Of Some Importance, and then a neat flashback to his time as an orphan kidnapped and forced to learn madskills as a ninja. (Oh, wait, this is what Coupling guy and Pirate witch girl were trying to expose.) Now, let me pause for a moment and say a vaguely positive thing about this film. If it overcame the actors' inability to do their job, the scriptwriters' (and I'll come back to these later too) ability to do theirs, and the editor and cinematographer's hyperactivity and shakes, (and these are some monolithic "ifs" to overcome) then the film should have focused on this orphan-who-became-a-ninja-who-became-an-outcast-who-defeated-his-master Gladiator-style story. Because that film could have been amazing. Instead we're saddled with this effort. Any remaining vestiges of subtlety of imagery anyone still in the auditorium might have felt this film could still demonstrate will be vanquished through these scenes, as we are bashed about the head with obvious scriptural references to acts which we got in visuals. (He passes water to an imprisoned girl he likes. Later, Pirate witch girl passes him water when he is imprisoned. I almost expected a flashback to the first instance, just in case we missed the significance.)

The film bounces between these tonally mismatched stories for most of the running time, cutting for a quick ninja fight every now and again with some [irony] kick ass ninja coolness [/irony] in case we were nodding off. Which we were. With twists that even I saw coming (and when I see twists, you just know that you too are guaranteed to see them) some ridiculous deus ex machina, and an ending that fails to engage on any tension-notching level, the film limps to a finish.

Now, two names need to be mentioned. The first name is Wachowski. I tend to view a film as the work of its creative inputters. In this case, James McTeigue and Matthew Sand. The former being the director, and the latter him what wrote the story. Now McTeigue's career has been entwined with that of the Wachowskis, working as second unit director or assistant director on their later films, and directing V For Vendetta. (A film which I actually genuinely enjoyed.) Now I made no secret of the fact I disliked Speed Racer. I went into that film quite expectant. My son was raring to see it. We were both bored, utterly bored. So, bearing in mind I liked McTeigue's last film, and disliked the Wachowski's last film, I went into this film pretty much expecting nothing. (Sadly McTeigue's involvement with the Wachowskis started after arguably their best film, Bound.) I do not have an irrational hatred of the Wachowskis, as haters of this film may be accused of, nor do I have an irrational hatred of McTeigue. Nor, for that matter, do I have an irrational hatred of this film. No, on the contrary, my hatred of this film is entirely and justifiably rational. The second name that needs to be mentioned is that of J. Michael Straczynski. Creator of "Babylon 5", screenwriter of Changeling, what is his name doing on this film? I can only pray and hope that he was called on for some minor tweaks and ended up having to be credited.

If you have found this review entertaining, then rest assured, it was far more entertaining than the film itself was. If you have found this review angering, and absolutely wrong on every conceivable level, then rest assured, the film itself is far more angering and absolutely wrong on every conceivable level than this little review could ever hope to be. If I see five films at the cinema this year that are worse than this (and I have children; I will end up seeing The Tooth Fairy) then, while I will not make some Kermodian (I think it was he) promise, I will finally know something. I will know just what it was that brought about the apocalypse in McCarthy's The Road. . TP.