46. "Jason Goes to Hell" (1993, Marcus)
By Eivind Langdal
11th February 2010

Who the hell names their film Jason Goes To Hell? Or, more specifically, who makes up that title for the ninth installment in a bad slasher series? That’s just asking for people to point out that the franchise too has gone to hell. The truth is, it did that a long time ago. If this film somehow managed to make its way into a time capsule, we would be laughed at forever by future generations. It literally makes me ashamed to think that, after achievements like the wheel and porn, this film is an example of what modern society can come up with. It’s okay to cry. It’s also okay to hit yourself in the head after watching this film in the hope of trying to forget it. I’d review the movie, but it doesn’t deserve to be written about. Instead, in a stunning twist, I will include the “talking asshole” monologue from Naked Lunch to fill space. Enjoy!

"Did I ever tell you about the man who taught his ass to talk? His whole abdomen would move up and down, you dig... farting out the words. It was unlike anything I had ever heard. This ass talk had sort of a gut frequency. It hit you right down there like you gotta go. You know when the old colon gives you the elbow and it feels sorta cold inside, and you know all you have to do is turn loose? Well this talking hit you right down there, a bubbly, thick stagnant sound, a sound you could smell. This man worked for a carnival you dig, and to start with it was like a novelty ventriloquist act. Real funny, too, at first. He had a number he called "The Better Ole" that was a scream, I tell you. I forget most of it but it was clever. Like, "Oh I say, are you still down there, old thing?" "Nah I had to go relieve myself.”

After a while the ass start talking on its own. He would go in without anything prepared and his ass would ad-lib and toss the gags back at him every time. Then it developed sort of teeth-like little raspy in-curving hooks and start eating. He thought this was cute at first and built an act around it, but the asshole would eat its way through his pants and start talking on the street, shouting out it wanted equal rights. It would get drunk, too, and have crying jags nobody loved it and it wanted to be kissed same as any other mouth. Finally it talked all the time day and night, you could hear him for blocks screaming at it to shut up, and beating it with his fist, and sticking candles up it, but nothing did any good and the asshole said to him "It’s you who will shut up in the end. Not me. Because we don't need you around here any more. I can talk and eat and shit."

Now, that’s what I call… well, I’ll be damned, I don’t know what to say to that.