#28. "Inside" (2007, Bustillo/Maury)
By Eivind Langdal
8th December 2009

No, the film’s title does not refer to some kind of sexual activity, but to a MacGuffin that is in possession of one woman and wanted by another. It’s not the Covenant of the Ark or the Holy Grail, but a baby that causes quite a bloody mess, which is some feat considering it’s not born yet. If life gets any worse for it as time goes on, it will grow up to be the catalyst for World War III. Wow, that’s a lot to stomach. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

A woman named Sarah survives a car crash, as does her unborn baby, but her husband is killed. Four months later, it is Christmas Eve, and she is almost ready to go into labor. Her mother is supposed to come and get her, but before that happens, a strange woman starts harassing Sarah. Sarah calls the police, but by the time they arrive, the woman has disappeared. They promise to check on her later during the day, but both her and the audience can tell that is not going to be enough. Something terrible is going to happen.

Indeed, not long after the police have left, the woman (dressed entirely in dark) returns, but now she has grown tired of harassment and has advanced to some physical and psychological terror. Her purpose? To steal Sarah’s unborn baby. Soon enough, the two of them are opposed in a deadly game that will have any pregnant woman in the audience know what it means to be protective of one’s own family.

That sounds like a real poignant horror film doesn’t it? Instead of some stupid teenagers trying to save their skinny asses from some masked killer, we have a mother who simply wants to protect herself and her baby. And it’s French! Wow, it must be a real goodie, then. Unfortunately, it’s not. You see, if you expect this film to be anything approaching good, you are going to be disappointed. Severely disappointed.

Why? Because it beats logic to death with a sledgehammer. The film’s plot can be broken apart by a simple reminder that the villain has nothing to gain from taking the baby before it’s born as opposed to after. In fact, waiting until it’s born would have spared her for a shitload of work. I mean, if you think a pregnant woman is going to take lightly to you trying to steal her unborn child, you are dead wrong. What’s even more stupid is the fact that unborn children rarely are in a better condition than a born one. Lacking logic like that is like lacking the ability to put the ice cream in the freezer so it doesn’t melt. The filmmakers behind Inside, to extend the metaphor, apparently thinks the best place to store the ice cream is on a hot oven. You know what? It’s not.

If you’re a gorehound, you will get what is rightfully yours in this film. So much blood flows in Inside that it’s a wonder no one slips on it and hurts their head or something. Ironically enough, the damage dealt to people in this film seems to be even with the damage dealt to simple logic. Why, for instance, don’t the cops who come to rescue Sarah call for backup when they find out exactly how messed up the situation is? I know that might have ended the film too soon, but if you’re going to paint yourself in a corner, try to at least use a color you like.

It is clear that filmmakers try hard, though. The film is set almost entirely within Sarah’s house, and they manage to create some well-needed tension from some simple set pieces (such as the one where Sarah has locked herself into her bathroom, where she is safe, but where there is no other exit than the door blocked by her foe). The concept too, is intriguing, even if no one behind the camera has the intelligence to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Horror films are supposed to scar us. But the only way Inside is going to accomplish that is for someone to push the large pile of implausibilities and contrivances it stacks upon each other throughout the film’s narrative onto some poor sap’s head. Not exactly what Hitchcock would have done, is it? There’s a thin line between the arty and the farty, but Inside is so far away from it that it can’t see it. I hope I don’t need to tell you which side it stands on.