#27. Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter (1984, Zito)
By Eivind Langdal
8th December 2009

Here we go again. You know, I actually looked forward to seeing the Friday the 13th series. It was a big black stain on my ”to watch” list that had to be erased. Yes, I wasn’t expecting top of the shelf material, but I didn’t know the series were so bad they were not even on the shelf, but buried somewhere far under it (perhaps that’s where they should have stayed). But I have promised to watch both good and bad horror films for this column, so to get an overview that is as wide as it can possibly be, and so I watch the films in the Friday the 13th series. So far, I’ve seen four, and I’m not even halfway to the end. Good God.

Look, I know Jason has his fair share of fans, and I completely understand that. God knows that horror enthusiasts have seen far worse attempts at villains. But the guy deserves better movies! I’m not saying he should be the antagonist in some social realist series with plenty of political subtext, but the least you can do is give him a couple of films where things are, you know, tense. The Friday the 13th series are as scary as a box of Corn Flakes, and believe me, a box of Corn Flakes is pretty fuckin’ far from scary. I’d know, I’ve been up against a few in my life.

Having seen the Scream series before this films surely haven’t helped either. I don’t know how many times characters in this film say ”I’ll be right back” (which, as stated in the Scream films, is a sure sign that whoever said it was going to die), but it’s enough to remove me from the film and realize exactly how horrible it is. The plot is exactly the same as the previous three films in the series: a group of young adults rent a cabin in the woods, and before you know it, they are stalked by you-know-who. The characters are as thin as paper, which makes me wonder: couldn’t Jason just have used scissors instead of knives? No one ever cuts paper with knives. Scissors is the way to go.

Now, it’s not a new thing that horror sequels have a tendency to feel like retreads of their originals, but has anyone ever considered exactly how similar the Friday the 13th films are? Think about it: they always start with some scene where we are supposed to think Jason is dead, but where it turns out he is pretty fuckin’ far from that, which he proves by making sure some characters that we are never going to hear about again are dead. Then, there are some kids in the forest who are always a mix of sexual conquerors and some outcast looking to get laid. Sexual tension arises, and one by one, the kids venture out alone, where they are killed by Jason (occasionally, he’ll do one of his favorite tricks, which is to impale two persons with one knife).

Eventually, only a few remain, which is usually the time when someone actually discovers that there is a crazy murderer stalking them. They always find this out because Jason hangs his victims around the camp in a convenient fashion, so that the remaining characters can run around, discover them and consequently scream their lungs out. Eventually, they manage to bring him down (ironic that Jason is always at his weakest when he is up against a small number of enemies). Of course, at the end, he is not dead anyway, because the writers shouldn’t have to think of original ideas for the sequels, right? That’s strong sarcasm, by the way, in case you are one of said writers.

Now, I was thinking of something: aren’t the films a bit too similar to each other? Sure, certain things are expectedly found in all the films (like, you know, the killing scenes), but they are so similarly structured that you have to wonder if the writers intentionally tried to make them as similar to each other as possible. I mean, each film is so similar to the last that they are as close to remakes as they can possibly be without actually being remakes. I know you are supposed to give the fans what they want, but if you are going to just waste money on making similar films, why just don’t think of some cheap way for them see the films again? It’s almost the same thing.

I have to admit, it is fun to make fun of these films, as they are so stupid that if they were cars, they’re likely to be the ones found in the wrong lane on the highway without any clue of what’s going on. Take the first scene, for example, where the police are gathering up evidence from the murderous rampage of the third film. Take a look at that shot where the police are careful enough to put Jason’s axe in a plastic bag so it won’t get contaminated, but not careful enough to put gloves on! I hate to keep using car metaphors, but that’s like installing brakes on a car without bothering to make tires.

In the end, the best way to sum up this film is to call it ”clueless”. Everyone involved fits the description. I mean, no one can take a hint! The filmmakers doesn’t seem to realize how bad the films they are making are. Jason doesn’t seem to realize that killing some random kids he has never met is actually very pointless. The forensics doesn’t seem to realize that Mr. Voorhees is a guy that should have his pulse checked regularly, because he, you know, keeps getting ressurected from the dead. And you kids who insist to camp near Crystal Lake: take a hint, for christssakes! You’d save yourself and the audience.